Dr. Boyce: Mary J. Blige’s Story of Molestation is One that Is Heard Too Often

26Jul/115

Dr. Boyce: Mary J. Blige’s Story of Molestation is One that Is Heard Too Often

by Dr. Boyce Watkins

I recently read an article about the amazing singer, Mary J. Blige, and how molestation at an early age played a role in some of her poor choices later in life. After confronting the demons of drug and alcohol addiction, Mary J. stands as arguably the most inspirational songbird in America, with a following more loyal than any artist within a 3,000 mile radius.

I saw Mary J at the Essence Music Festival in 2004, and was impressed with the way she “brought it” to the stage. I haven’t been back to the Essence Festival since, in large part because I am hoping that they can find better empowerment speakers than Nene Leakes (just kidding….no, not really). Another great performer, Missy Elliot, also shared stories of sexual victimization that took place in her own childhood.

With regard to these disturbing revelations of prior molestation, I found myself reflecting on just how many stories of abuse within our communities go untold. I think about all the defenseless children, both male and female, who were victimized by the adults they trusted with their lives. I also thought about how many of us can be unintentionally complicit in the abuses that occur right under our noses.

How often have you heard a story about an older man who has slept with or impregnated a girl under the age of 18? Do you find yourself financing the R. Kelly empire by shaking your butt to his music without spending a second thinking about all the young women who claim that he is trying to sleep with them? Have you ever seen signs of abuse in either a woman or child in your presence, but chose not to get involved? If the answer is “yes” to these questions or others like them, you might want to consider stepping up your game.

Unfortunately, a large number of children are parented by irresponsible baby-making machines who don’t know the first thing about raising productive kids or protecting them. Men like Flava Flav, DMX and others (who’ve battled drug addiction and poor choices) almost always seem to be the ones who have the most children, taking one generation of dysfunction and spreading it like a virus into the future.

The truth is that it not only takes a village for us to raise our children, it also takes a village to protect them. While we can’t control the actions of reckless adults, we can all do our part to share our values, provide resources whenever we can and do all we can to protect children who’ve been cursed by the disease of poor parental protection. There are tens of thousands of other Mary J. Bliges and Missy Elliots out there, and unfortunately, their stories don’t have an equally happy ending.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Professor at Syracuse University and founder of the Your Black World Coalition. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

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chrystal
July 26th, 2011 - 18:38

I am glad these women are speaking out about child molestation. We in the Black community do not take it seriously then wonder why some of our men and women act strange and become addicted. This is a cycle. A person that was molested may molest other children. Being a person that was molested by my mother’s current husband, I feel the pain of not being believed or trusted by all my family members.

Now 15 years later my sister just now admitted that our step father (mom’s current husband) has molested her too. She defended this man to me and basically called me a liar just like the rest of the family. I don’t know what made her felt the need to tell the truth now but it is hard for me to forgive her. Don’t give me the crap of praying to god either. I prayed to god with I was having sex with my step father and nothing happened. I have found more success in my life without religion.

Single mothers please wake up and care and PROTECT your children. And believe your children if they are telling you something is not right. Error on the side of caution than to think other wise. the sex you are getting from your “new honey” is not worth your child’s future. You are putting your child’s innocence and sanity on the line. Even though Missy Elliot and Mary J. Blige are rich they are still fighting the imprint of molestation in private. The stain does not go away very easily.

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celia785
July 27th, 2011 - 02:02

“Unfortunately, a large number of children are parented by irresponsible baby-making machines who don’t know the first thing about raising productive kids or protecting them.”

This is a very true statement.

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doverdavis
July 27th, 2011 - 04:50

Child abuse has many faces. You named DMX, Flava Flav and others. Well, sir, they were probably abused children. Men who grow up to be violent and sexual were abused children. Abuse has many faces. It can be a man abusing a little girl or a woman abusing a little boy. It can be violent beatings without cause.

Some Black mothers use the phrase “Break him in” when referring to their sons. They have continued the slave tradition of breaking young black males in like horses. Some Black fathers cage their sons by denying their intellectual capabilities. So the will and character of these young men are destroyed at ages two or three. So, I say to you child abuse has many faces.

We should make sure that we understand all the faces of abuse.

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Meanchick
July 27th, 2011 - 18:55

This happens to be an epidemic and keeping it secret is why it’s growing. Molestation/Rape does not just happen to children of single mothers, it happens any and everywhere. Children are not equipped to deal with this on their own and when you add the burden of keeping it secret whether by fear or by shame, it’s too much for that young mind to bear. I believe my mother knew my father was raping me, but shame, guilt and the fear of what people would say about HER is why she never addressed is and to this day, still won’t. The laws in this country MUST change. Girls and boys victimized grow up possibly as abusers, drug addicts, promiscuous, behavior problems and the list goes on. It’s a life sentence. It doesn’t go away, you never forget and the memories (and nightmares) are always there. I have trust issues, relationships issues, PTSD, severe depression and anxiety attacks and at times, suicidal. I take medication for all of that, including meds to prevent nightmares. I’m overprotective of my own daughter. Talk to the children around you. Open your eyes. You KNOW when something is not right.

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- Better not bitter
  July 28th, 2011 - 03:09
  
  You nailed it right on the head. Parents need to create an environment for their children to feel comfortable enough with them to share anything. Approximately 30 years ago I was molested by more than one family member and to this day I still have not told my parents. I felt I had no where to turn; I would leave my bed and try to sleep with another relative thinking I would be safe only to be fondled in that bed. I tried to go to another relative’s house to get away from the first two and some how a third relative knew about the first and I was threatened with being told on if I did not oblige this person. When I returned home after the summer, I returned to alcohol and drug parties and physical abuse between my parents. I could find absolutely no relief. This went on for at least three years that I remember; it may have been longer but I had suppressed the memory of it all for a good period of time. I know I should tell my parents but now I am faced with my mom getting crazy and my pop not believing me due to these people being his family. I could not understand for years why I was doing the crazy things I was doing all my life. Then after some internal searching and hearing the stories of others, I began to see that the bulk of my issues (self-hatred expressed through drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, lack of trust, bad choices in men and anger/rage) stemmed from what happened to me as a child. I have begun the healing process and please believe…IT IS NOT EASY!!! It is a long, drawn out process and the shame of it all is just another burden to be relieved of. I do not have any children, but I always imagined that if I ever had any, I too would be extremely protective of them. As a result the children that are a part of my life, I do pay close attention to them to observe any changes in behavior and I show them that they can come to me with whatever they may want to share. I thank God for the process of healing and I pray that all of us would grow to a place of forgiveness. No it’s not easy, but it is so so necessary. Be Blessed and Healed!
  
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